I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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