I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
