i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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