I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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