You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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