Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
