You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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