About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
