we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
