I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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