mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
mondays should just be called national damage control day
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
