i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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