my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Randomize
