I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
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I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
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He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..