Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
