I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
love makes seman taste better
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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