Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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