come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
