rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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