This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
