i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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