Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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