He disabled his match.com account in front of me
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You are a genius and a whore.
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