8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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