Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
