he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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