I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
