the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
