We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
