When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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