Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
