did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
