Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
my sisters under your porch take her home
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
