I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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