Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
