Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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