Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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