i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
