nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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