Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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