I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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