Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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