you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
