I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
