low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We're too hungover to prance.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
