I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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