I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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