We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
