She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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