Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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