So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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