i think i have herpe
just one?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
