So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
