some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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