Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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