No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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