Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
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sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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